Hi there--Are you still there?

So, I haven't been blogging. My last post was on April 15, more than three weeks ago, and the post before that was on April 3.

I have sometimes "prided" myself on being a person who can handle the truth, criticism, bring it.... I wanna know the way it is, the way it really is, clarity, stark, no delusions.... But sometimes I hate the truth, the way it is.... And when is that? When it is painful, inconvenient, and makes me look bad or weak, of course. Hmmm, that means I hate the truth quite often, I'm afraid....

The painful, inconvenient truth--for me anyway--is that I stepped away from the blog because I have been in the midst of a time of great personal crisis. I hate to admit that, of course. It got to the point where I just couldn't write.... Certainly, I wasn't going to put my life's mess and crisis out there for any and all. Might as well barf on you, as far as I'm concerned. That's just me though. If you want to be barfed upon I'm sure you can find a blogger who will do that for you. They are out there. And apparently some folks do want to be barfed upon, because those blogs seem to often have a lot of readers. But I digress. So I couldn't write.... And merely posting other's quotations (as great as some of them are) grew stale for me. In fact, one reader, a friend, even told me in an e-mail that my blog had become stale. I winced a little at the honesty, but knew she was right and appreciated it.

So I had to step away. And it was good. In its own small way, it has been quite freeing to not think about this blog, and even (gasp! but please don't take this personally, anyone) to not have read but the odd post from any blog over the past month plus. But now I feel like I want to blog again, at least a bit, and like I might actually have a thing or two to say that isn't regurgitated "wisdom" from someone else (although I am sure that such gems will still be a regular feature here). I am in a much better space than I was a month ago. That is not to say that much of anything has changed in my personal life circumstances. The mess, the crisis, is all still there, and may actually get even worse before it gets better. My life as I know it may fall completely apart. But I already know that I'll be okay, no matter what. Read on.

I have changed in some fundamental ways over the past several months and not to brag, but I find myself emerging better able to deal with the crap of life than I think I ever have before. Things are what they are. And I have learned that if I cling to what I cannot hold on to, (That's not to say that I still don't try that in many cases; old habits of the heart/mind are hard to break.) or run from what I cannot avoid, I only create suffering for myself and others. I have to be with what is, the pleasure and the pain. It comes, it is here for its time, and then it goes. Yes, it always does go, whether pleasure or pain. All things are impermanent. Rather than being a sadness to know that...in a way it is actually a comfort. Because it means that you can make it through anything if you'll just be there...with it.... Now, if all of that sounds vaguely "Buddhist" to some of you, well, that's because it probably is, but I may talk about that a bit in another post down the road.

So, I am ready to write here again a bit. It's interesting to me...I checked my stats yesterday after not even looking at them for a month, and amazingly it looks like I didn't lose much in the way of readership during this "hiatus," and I even picked up a couple of "followers" on Blogger during this time. For whatever any of that is worth, which is probably not much. I do believe that any "addiction" to blogging has really been broken for me this time, and I will be keeping this all in healthy perspective. I confess that that has not always been the case for me.

I do not need to be here in the blogosphere. I will only be here (and on your blogs as well) when I want to be. It is possible that any post here could be the last one I'll ever post.

I have a life. :)

And it's a good one and getting better despite everything. I think I'll continue to give it my primary attention.

A couple of other notes before closing this too long post. I considered changing the name of this blog and my moniker. I originally chose the name "Forest Wisdom" because of my love of the northern forests (the Northwoods), and because at the time I was doing some reading and investigating of the Thai Forest Tradition of Theravada Buddhism. I have long had an affinity for monastics--I may elaborate on that in a coming post--and the Thai Forest Tradition caught my attention because of their use of remote wilderness as a training ground for spiritual practice. Well, that sounded right up my alley.... But naming my blog and myself "wisdom" seems pretentious to me now. Most days, especially recently, I don't feel very wise, and I certainly don't pretend to be dispensing wisdom to any and all who chance by this space. Nevertheless, wise or unwise, it is how you have all come to know me and this blog...and therefore "Forest Wisdom" remains.

So hello again. I will be making an effort to drop by all of your blogs again in the days/weeks ahead and catch up with you all. You're cool folks, the lot of you. You're why I came back. Because I do miss you and I do still want to share in the community. Also, a blogroll or blogrolls should be going back up as soon as I get the chance.

I wish you all much peace.